Liz took her litter of cocker spaniel puppies to the veterinary clinic for their inoculations and deworming.

As the look alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the vet realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. The veterinarian turned on the tap over the sink, wet her fingers, and moistened each dog’s head when she had finished.

After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed the usually talkative Liz had grown silent. As the vet sprinkled the last pup’s head, Liz leaned forward and whispered, ‘I hadn’t realized that they had to be baptized.’

Ok, I had to do it… this was just too funny not to share. As you read this does any of it hit close to home? Now I’ll be honest, my two are actually really good dogs. About the worst they do is track mud and they really don’t have too many options there but I do have friends with dogs and some of the stories…. Well, let’s just say this makes me think of some of them!

An open letter to my dog (the bad one)

To: My basset hound

DEAR Jasper: I realize that, being a basset hound, it is highly unlikely you will actually read today’s column, but at this point I’ve run out of ideas for communicating with you and am pretty much willing to try anything.

So, let’s consider this an intervention. What I’m trying to say is your recent behaviour has been less than acceptable, not that your track record is anything to brag about.

Do I need to remind you about that Christmas fiasco? That’s right, the time you found a 20-pound sack of flour in the kitchen, ripped it open, ate about five pounds worth, then gulped down your entire water dish and rolled in the rest of the flour to ensure you were evenly coated in a thick, white, dripping mass of glue, which you then tracked throughout the living room while testing out the new leather sofa and every single chair to see which was the most comfortable.

But that’s ancient history. I think we can agree things have been sort of going downhill from there. Just for fun, why don’t we start with what you did in the living room yesterday.

Can you show me in the Official Dog Handbook the part where it says: After eating a bunch of grass and the remains of a dead squirrel, never throw up outside if there’s a perfectly good carpet in the living room.

Hey, there’s more to life than food! I’m serious. You can’t eat everything. For example, and this will be a big surprise, Kleenex, paper towels, discarded “hygiene” products, small pieces of wood and plastic bags from Safeway are not considered edible.

Read more… »

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a ’sniffing dog’. “His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, “Watch this.”

He told Sniffer to “search”. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “Good boy”, and he turned to the man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

Read more… »

LIVER & CHEESE

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street
when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an
effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty,
slobbering on themselves and hoping for just
a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on
the three suitors, she decides to be kind
and tells them, ” The first one who can use
the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ together in
an imaginative, intelligent sentence can
go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly
and says, “I love liver and cheese.”

Read more… »

Hi fellow puppers!! Have you ever wished for super doggie powers to get out outta things you don’t wanna get into, like baths or trouble? Well, I got together with some pals and we put together a list of a bunch of doggie super powers we wished we had and here it is!!

If you have any to add, bark away, I’d love to hear them! Woof!

14. Invisibath — The power to disappear at the first sound of bath water

13. ViseHump — The leg hump grip of steel

12. AquaField — Immunity to bucket of cold water when copulating in driveway

11. Skeetvision– The ability to shoot laser beams from your eyes to blast that damn Frisbee out of the sky

10. SuperBladder — Loaded with Toxi-Urine — One lift of the leg and this town is mine!

9. SquirrelFreeze — Do I even need to explain this one??

Read more… »

Dear Pups,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run. Read more… »

1. Blaming your farts on me…not funny.
2. Yelling at me for barking… I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)
4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?)
5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose…stop it. Read more… »

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from
muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand. Read more… »

Bath:
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

Bicycles:
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves, and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

Bump:
The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

Deafness:
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

Dog Bed:
Any soft, dean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

Drool:
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly, you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

Read more… »

Angulation
Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress judges.

Balance
(a) How to arrange the checkbook so your husband won’t know how much money you spent on dog shows last month. Usually done in the bathroom with the door locked;
(b) Ability to hold coffee, danish, leash, treats and entry form all at once.

Bitch
(a) Name for a lady dog;
(b) Name often heard at dog shows, not always to describe a lady dog.

Blind Retrieve
When you can’t see the toy under the furniture.

CGC
Canine Gastrointestinal Catastrophe {aka GAS}

Coat
The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the Specialty show.

Read more… »

• Dogs are never permitted in the house.
  • The dog stays out side in the specially built wooden compartment named for a very good reason, the dog house.
  • Ok, the dog can enter the house but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
  • Ok, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his doghouse could be sold in a garage sale to a rookie dog owner.
  • Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable, but secure crate.
  • Ok, the crate becomes part of a “two for one” deal in the garage sale and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases. Read more… »

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog prone to awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed